Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
