I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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