Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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