wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
