Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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