I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
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