No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
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You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize