1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
