I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
