Grow some girl-balls and come out already
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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