I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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