She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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