Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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