Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
