If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I need a beard to bite.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
