I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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