oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
