i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Bring me that man meat
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
