Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I need a beard to bite.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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