am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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