I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
