Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
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We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
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And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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