I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
