Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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