need another drink. this is the easiest way
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
