You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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