I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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