im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
