i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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