You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
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I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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