I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
