hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
