I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
