yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
