She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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