you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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