I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.