No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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