apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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