Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
