textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
