We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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