I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
