My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
