Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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