i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
