went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
