That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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