dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Text me some of your sweat
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
