there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
