I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
