God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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