Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
