Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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