yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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