Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
